Must-reads
A good guy lives and does by his standards. All effects of his actions are an afterthought and not the principal reason for his actions. You do because it is the right thing to do, not because you will gain benefits or status. People will think you are a nice person1, but you don’t need this validation to do good. Your focus is on giving without any expected returns.
Good things will come from an attitude of giving within your means. Give others the joy of spending time with you, give them a listening ear, give them a group of people to meet, and eventually you’ll be given things back. You can receive directly, by someone offering you something (in which case you should also ‘give’ by thanking them). It can also be done indirectly, for example by attracting reliable friends into your life that seem to pop up out of nowhere like mushrooms in the forest after you start behaving like a good guy.
You know that by giving, eventually you’ll be given to. In a sense, there is an expectation of receiving something in return. This expectation is only statistical, a matter-of-fact statement of understanding about how the world works. The expectation should never be linked to the specific act of giving itself2. This act of giving is supposed to come from a place of indifference to the outcome.
A nice guy shows similar behaviour to the outside world, but with a key distinction in motivation. The intention of a nice guy’s actions is to be found ‘nice’ by those around him. All nice gestures have an unspoken expectation of some reward for the nice guy. When he doesn’t get the reward for his action, the nice guy will deep down become a not-so-nice bothered guy. You might trick a few people initially with this behaviour, but long term people will find out your motivations. They will be able to see through your insecurities and validation-seeking behaviour.
Not everyone makes a conscious choice to be a good guy or a nice guy. Nice guy habits can even slip in a good guy’s behaviour once in a while. Making the switch to good guy behaviour is rather simple, but might be difficult to perform in practice. Ask yourself all the time when you’re doing or giving something: “Am I expecting something from the other person?” If the answer is No, and you’re truly doing it for the betterment of humankind: you passed the test and are a good guy. If the answer is Yes, you need a follow-up question: “Is the other person aware of the expectation of receiving something in return, and is the person willing to give just that?” With awareness and willingness to give from the other person, you’ve made a successful trade and are still a good guy. If the other person is unaware or unwilling to give what you expect to receive in return, you are being a nice guy. Stop what you’re doing and envision how a good guy would handle the situation.
- A nice person is truly nice. A good guy is truly good. A nice guy is a misleadingly positive term for someone disguising as a nice person or a good guy, while hiding his true and usually maleficent or manipulative agenda. Try to be a nice person and a good guy, don’t be a nice guy. Now you hopefully won’t get confused by the terminology used hereinafter. ↩︎
- The only time you can expect to receive after giving is when trading. In this case, you’re making an agreement to exchange that which you give for that which you receive. Call the beast by its name: you’re making a trade, not giving a gift. I’m not referring to giving here as part of the act of trading. Giving here refers to the single independent act. ↩︎