This will be your go-to reference section if you only need easily digestible practical relationship rules. The rest of this chapter on the relationship with your partner covers a broad range of abstract topics with some suggestions for implementation. What follows is a summarising list of what would be my framework of relationship rules. The word ‘rule’ might sound limiting and patronising, but rather see this as the agreement on the relational vision between you and your partner.
The rules are practical in that it focuses more on the how than on the why behind the rule. Just like a relationship, its rules require work in that they need adjustment and agreement with your partner (and yourself, if you choose to deviate from my implementation). There is no thematic division, ranking or structured order to the rules.
- Everything is up for discussion. No matter how difficult or uncomfortable the topic, we talk through everything.
- Doubts and worries are expressed as soon as possible and respectfully. You don’t pile up emotions.
- When it’s not immediately possible to talk with each other, try to first talk with trusted friends and family. Do this in such a manner that the relationship between your partner and conversation partner does not become damaged.
- Feel no objection to ‘screwing up a good moment’ with a difficult talk. It brings us closer together, so you’re actually building a bond together rather than destroying it.
- Forgive each other and don’t continuously fall back on the past. Accept mistakes and imperfections given a good intention.
- Look for reasons to stay together, rather than to leave. What do you appreciate about having your partner in your life? Express what you would like to see more of.
- Threatening with divorce or a breakup is grounds for doing that on the spot. These are no weapons to deploy.
- Texting is for practical purposes and flirting. Serious matters are spoken about by phone or in person.
- There is no ego or pride.
- Take expressions of pain seriously. Go by the motto: “If it hurts you, it is important to me.”
- Breaks and distance solve no problems. Listening, talking and forming a team does.
- Express your needs. Don’t guess each others’ thoughts. “Do you need my help?” “No, it is not necessary,” should be your response when you don’t need their help. It is not the intention for the other to extract from that expression your actual need for help.
- No fights or difficult talks between 21:00 and 09:00. If you’re too tired, take care of yourself first, and only then engage in the discussion. Stick to your promise to continue the conversation later. Don’t use it as an excuse to dodge the conversation.
- Always sleep together, preferably lovingly. You never know whether you both wake up alive tomorrow.
- We can have different needs. They are not necessarily better or unreasonable. They are simply different.
- We always fight against the dilemma, never against each other. We are a team.
- Start from an expectation of good intentions and only judge after hearing the reason behind their actions.
- Empathise and acknowledge feelings.
- Consider your own share, improve what goes wrong and say sorry where necessary. Take responsibility and acknowledge your own actions.
- A bit of tough love is ok, but primarily be each other’s biggest supporter.
- Go on 1-on-1 dates regularly without excuses. Even with kids in your life: just hire a babysitter.
- Have regular non-sexual intimacy.
- Have regular sexual intimacy.
- Be grateful. Say “Thanks” in healthy amounts or express your gratitude in another way.
- Have some variant of the 2-2-2 rule. Every two weeks a date. Every two months a weekend away. Every two years a week.
- Never be longer than two weeks (maybe four weeks as an exception) apart from each other. If it takes longer, we either go together and nobody goes.
- Sometimes you need to put aside personal happiness for relational happiness. Or at least talk about the consideration. You might want (to do) something badly, but you are part of a team. Accept that you will not always have your personal best choice. At the same time, you do get happiness in that both you and your partner experience greater relational happiness.
- Don’t become each other’s employees. Avoid doing a task and expecting something in return. Sometimes do chores together and block time for this.