Must-reads
- Needy: How to Advocate for Your Needs and Claim Your Sovereignty by Mara Glatzel
- Overcome Neediness and Get the Love You Want by Jack Ito
Needs and neediness are morphologically and semantically related, so it intuitively makes sense interchangeably using the two when speaking about relationships. However, to do so will raise confusion in yourself and in the communication with your partner. The two words should be used wholly differently, each with their own follow-up actions.
Needs can refer to your standards or your desires. Standards are based on your core values such as respect and honesty. You can have a need to be spoken to truthfully, and to be able to truthfully share your own thoughts. Standards are roughly the same for most people, in theory. The reality is that not everyone lives up to the standards and they are thus a good first check for your potential partner. It is rare to have opposite views on the standards, as they seem somewhat universal. It is more common to disagree on the extent of the standards being met or not.
Your desires are more personally defined. You might have a need to show and receive physical affection. Another person might need a couple of hours of alone time each day and read a book or go for a run. These are the parts of your partner you have to get to know and can be described as ‘their manual’. Don’t be too harsh on yourself by expressing your desires and being faced by rejection of your partner. It is not necessarily the need that is in the wrong here, but maybe the two of you are simply not compatible. Reflect honestly on whether your desire is unrealistic and has to be altered, or this is a case of mismatch in compatibility and your search for a partner has to continue.
Getting to know a person is also getting to know their needs. Not all needs have to be verbally discussed, and not all needs have to be thrown on the table all at once. Needs can be discussed whenever the situation rises, or serve as an explanation for your lack of action. Feel free to add a line like “Hey, I’ve been noticing that you’re not sharing your thoughts and emotions lately. I have a need to understand your feelings in order to feel close to you,” whenever your partner is closed off emotionally. You can remain silent after proposing a date twice without a sensible reply and devote your energy elsewhere, be it other dates, work or hobbies. When asked why you have suddenly disappeared, you can offer your standards such as “I like equal investment in a relationship,” as an explanation for your absence.
Neediness is the shadow side of needs. Whenever your needs consume your time and energy, whenever you feel like you can’t live any longer without your needs fulfilled, you enter the territory of neediness. It is the side that arises when the needs take over and become externalised. You are no longer in power over satisfying your needs, but you need value from an external source such as your partner. As much as you’d like to blame the other side for not fulfilling your needs, it is actually your own problem to deal with. You can’t rely on others to meet your needs all the time. You will either have to reduce the need or satisfy yourself by creating your own value.