Must-reads
- The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John M. Gottman, Joan DeClaire
- Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection by Julie Schwarz Gottman, John M. Gottman
Don’t give each other up with the first cracks appearing. As long as you love each other and are willing to work on yourselves and the relationship, fight. Don’t fight each other, but the challenge that hangs above you. Form a team and tackle the problem together.
Similarly to understanding each other’s love language, you must also define a common fight language. This definition includes rules of engagement and examples of unacceptable behaviour. The specific chosen flavour of your rules is up to you to taste and decide upon, but here are some topics to form an opinion on.
Fights can grow on the breeding ground of desire for connection. A partner can show a verbal or non-verbal attempt for connection. This bid can be turned towards by acknowledging the action and responding to it. The bid can also be ignored, or turned away from. A quick way to destroy your relationship is to turn against the bid by responding in a negative way like: “I’m busy now, can’t you see?” Understand that you’re in control of your response when you spot an attempt to connect by your partner.
It is hard to understand what you need and to express it. It is even harder to understand your partner’s needs if they don’t truly capture the essence of their desires. Look for the true bid beneath the surface to build a strong connection.
Try to find and express your own needs clearly. Use your emotional needs to soften your replies in an argument. Don’t tell your partner in definite terms what to do, but rather express your emotional needs as reasons for your preferred change. Maybe your partner can come up with their own solution or you can come to a compromise together when you explain why something bothers you.
Fight yourself first, as you are probably part of the problem. Solve your share by correcting your errors and saying sorry where necessary.
Start to look for reasons to stay together in a fight, instead of looking for excuses to leave. Exploiting the threat of divorce or breaking up is a nuclear weapon of love destruction and a relational war crime to employ as a tactic. A separation can be the result of an adult conversation, but should never be used in expressions like “You must do [this thing] or I’ll break up with you!” Breaks and space won’t solve any problems. Listening, talking and forming a team does.
Texting is for practical matters and flirting. When a topic turns emotionally and intellectually complex, there is a high risk of misinterpretation in texts. Serious matters are discussed at least over phone calls or preferably in person. You get bonus points for sitting close, hugging or holding hands during these discussions.
There is no room for ego and pride. If the other person shows hurt, it is upon you to acknowledge their pain. Everything that hurts your partner should be of importance to you as well. Don’t be afraid to ruin the moment with a difficult talk. The conflict should bring you closer together, so it is actually building something rather than destroying.
Time your battles wisely. Avoid picking fights when someone involved is too tired. You could set in place a rule where you don’t start fights or difficult discussions after 21:00 and before 09:00, or both of you have a veto to delay such a conversation in case of tiredness. Take care of your primary needs first, and then return to the matter at hand. Be careful not to use this delay as a tactic to avoid conversations. Your partner will catch on in the long run and lose trust in your capability to take care of problems as a team.